I share this passage with many of my families and I would like to share it with you. It resonated with me when I first read it and it still speaks to me today.
Welcome to Holland
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability — to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this …When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like you’re planning a fabulous vacation trip — to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans: the Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas of Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.” “Holland?!?!”, you say. “What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy!” I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy. But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place. So you must go and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy going to and from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned. ” The pain of that will never ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you did not go to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
Emily Perl Kingsley c 1987